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SCENE
ONE - HONEY I'M HOME
a)
Baby watches television.
b)
The characters are isolated in two circles of light. In
one, Baby, sitting as before; in the other, the SS headquarters,
where SSC and his henchperson pass on instructions to Husband.
The SS will direct the sound and music cues from these headquarters.
BABY
More than two-thirds of all Canadians have secret
SS spies living with them in their homes, or are
spies themselves. If you don't know their super-evil
methods, or how they can slowly destroy you without
your knowledge, how can you protect yourself? Where
can you turn?
Example:
today I walked past my fromt window
innocently, and Son A showed me his asshole.
Family
A lives across the street. Family B lives next
door. Son A always has it in for me. His friends
showed me their assholes too. All at once. All day,
every day, whenever I walk past my front window,
one of the A's is watching me. Or - when I'm buying
the sweetest, nicest greeting cards too...
Example:
last week I walked past the window to go
to the bathroom, and Daughter A was waiting for me,
she was standing there, in the middle of the driveway,
with their ugly little dog on a leash...I don't pretend to
understand their methods. Daughter A is the most evil
one of them all. Or I will be looking out the window,
completely hidden, and the light in their living room
will suddenly turn off. Interesting! How do they know
I am going to walk by the window at that precise
moment?
They
can't see inside my home...
HUSBAND
Honey? I'm home.
As
the catchy theme song plays, Baby and Husband meet, and play
out a ritualized evening routine.
THEME
SONG
Who's got a husband who works as a spy?
Who feels the satellites look through her eye?
Just a baby.
She's a butcher block baby.
Who's
got a husband who spies on her too?
She's losing her mind.
She's just like me and you.
Just a baby.
She's a butcher block baby.
(Lasers!)
Lasers in her brain.
(Constant!) Constant creepind pain.
(TV!) TV every day.
She sees through their plan
And she's finding a way.
She's just a baby.
She's a butcher block baby.
Music
ends.
BABY
You're late.
HUSBAND
I knew you'd understand.
(pause)
...how was your day?
Baby
turns on the TV. Husband makes lengthy overtures toward intimacy
with Baby, eventually luring her to his knee. Husband guides
her remote control hand up to the TV and turns it off.
BABY
HUSBAND
Have I told you something today?
You're a great cook...
(pause)
BABY
HUSBAND
Son A...
SSC...
BABY
HUSBAND
Son A!
SSC!
BABY
HUSBAND
SSC is...
...coming for dinner!
SSC
I'm sorry.
Both turn.
c)
SSC stands at the entrance, holding a book. Husband dashes
back to shake his hand; Baby retreats to her seat, and watches
TV.
HUSBAND
SSC! Come in!
SSC
I don't want to cause any trouble.
BABY
Haw!
HUSBAND
My house is your house.
SSC
Very nice.
SSC
glances at Baby. He and Husband shuffle up behind her.
SSC
How are...things?
HUSBAND
Same as usual.
SSC
The old routine?
HUSBAND
Like normal.
SSC
You know, I think that - HA!
SSC
drops his red book, catching Baby's eye. he grabs her remote,
rolls out, turns off TV. Husband decides to roll as well.
SSC gives the remote back to Baby.
SSC
All right! That's enough! My God, harrumph, think
would you.
HUSBAND
I'M SORRY!
SSC
You can't be sorry in this...in this world, you should
know that.
HUSBAND
WHAT DO YOU...what do you have to gain by
being sorry?
SSC
Exactly. And what do you have to gain by being
normal?
HUSBAND
Exactly.
SSC
takes Baby's chair. All watch him closely.
SSC
NO! Because there-is-no-such-thing-as-normal.
You've been in this...in this world long enough to
know that. You're not normal because you're not
me. I'm not normal because I'm not you.
Everybody is different, everybody is different, no
two people are alike, everyone is an individual.
Be yourself! Help yourself! The sooner the better,
because the sooner you realize that everyone is
different, the sooner you realize that our
differences are all the same. It's everyone's job to
keep it that way. If there's one thing that you
need to know in this...this great country of ours,
it's that.
SSC,
having stood in the heat of his speech, sees that Baby has
reclaimed her chair.
SSC
Er...
HUSBAND
(simultaneously)
Er...
SSC
I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met.
HUSBAND
Honey, you'll turn him off.
SSC
Oh, heh heh. The pleasure is mine...
HUSBAND
Honey, please
SSC
Don't worry about me.
HUSBAND
Shouldn't you be, nh! nh!
SSC
It's not important.
HUSBAND
What's for nh!
SSC
Hum-de-dum-dum...
HUSBAND
Nh!
SSC
(coughs)
Dinner.
HUSBAND
(coughs too)
What's for dinner!
BABY
I dunno.
Baby
walks off stage. Husband and SSC pass the time as best they
can. Baby returns with dinner; the men each claim a chair.
SSC
Your wife is very aggressive.
HUSBAND
Well, you know, not really...well, yes.
Baby
places their food several feet in front of the chairs; as
they stand to get it, Baby reclaims her chair. The two eat.
SSC
You see the new Number Forty-Two?
HUSBAND
Just in on Monday, right?
SSC
No that's the other one. The forty two is the one with
the things.
HUSBAND
Oh, oh right.
SSC
How did it go today?
HUSBAND
?....well...
SSC
Oh, she can hear. We trust her. Does she trust you?
SSC
distracts Husband, takes his chair.
HUSBAND
Of course! Why shouldn't she? She's my wife.
SSC
Good. You can't get anywhere without trust.
HUSBAND
Well, trust is what it's all about.
SSC
Trust...and people.
HUSBAND
But not just any people.
SSC
People who are...different.
HUSBAND
People who trust you.
SSC
...But, don't think that it's all about the here and now!
HUSBAND
No, no.
SSC
People think that just because a person is over here,
and you're over here, that there's nobody over there.
But it's the people who are over there who are the
most important - because they have absolutely
nothing to do with you. What you do, what needs to
be done, is to act - to act before they have anything
to do with you. Why, it's like telling the truth with
lies!
BABY
How?
SSC
stops, stands and paces; Husband sneaks back into his seat.
SSC starts to massage husband's shoulders, with progressively
more violence.
SSC
How. Let me see. Well, for instance, if I say that
your husband can come and work for me, and that if
he does his job well and is loyal then his past
criminal record will be forgotten, well that is
telling the truth with lies.
HUSBAND
It's an art.
SSC
If I tell your husband that those who are disloyal are
sure to be found and punished with certain death, IF
they are disloyal, then that is telling the truth with
lies.
HUSBAND
I don't pretend to understand it, I'm just starting out...
SSC
IF I tell your husband that my wife's living wage
tending adults with severe brain damage is NOT in
fact...
BABY
Why?
Husband
breaks away from the dangerous massage. SSC takes his seat.
SSC
Say, you've got an inquisitive little mind, don't you?
I like that.
BABY
Why?
HUSBAND
Everyone likes to figure out the jigsaw puzzle...
BABY
How?
SSC
(laughs)
There, see? She's absolutely right. You never
"figure out" the jigsaw puzzle. That's not what
we're here for. Out job is to dispo...
BABY
Why?
SSC
There now, I think you're going a little too far.
BABY
How?
SSC
Oh, that's easy. Anyone can do it. All you need to
know is where too far is, how to get there, and who
can take you.
BABY
Why?
SSC
Do you love your...country?
HUSBAND
I think that it's very...
BABY
Why?
SSC
Your country loves you.
SSC
pokes Baby.
HUSBAND
I...
BABY
How?
SSC
What?
HUSBAND
Has your secretary recovered?
SSC
kicks husband in the gut.
SSC
My friend. Our...world is bigger than any one of its
citizens.
HUSBAND
Yes.
BABY
Why?
SSC
And truth is the biggest thing of all. So big that it
is barely a thing at all. Do you care about the truth?
BABY
I'm just a baby.
HUSBAND
I care.
SSC
Yes, well this thing is obviously best seen in the
context of other things. Thank you for dinner - I'll
see you tomorrow.
SSC exits. Husband scampers into his chair. Both sit nervously.
Simultaneously, they turn their eyes behind Husband's chair.
BABY
Don't look at it.
Husband
runs back and picks up SSC's book, which he has left behind.
BABY
It's dangerous.
Husband
offers it to Baby; she recoils.
BABY
I'm not going near it!
(pause)
Don't you know that when someone leaves a book on your
living room floor, it means he's testing you?
(pause)
Don't read the book.
Husband
walks off, reading furiously.
d)
Baby gets up suddenly, paces.
BABY
It's been like this ever since Neighbout B was elected to
city council. After all, who does the SS work for? Any
idiot can tell you.
Don't
take my word for it! When my husband's sister
visited with her very small children, I was so overwhelmed
by everything that I had to drive into town in tears to watch
E.T. In the middle of the afternoon! And halfway through
the movie, on of the SS Male Whores walked right in and
sat almost right behind me. He stank. He had way too much
cologne on. This was the first time I knew that the SS were
really evil.
Pause.
There is barking.
BABY
Vicious fighting dogs.
(Pause)
They even take an innocent little dog and train him to be
a killer.
Baby
bends gently toward the noise.
BABY
Here boy. Good boy. Here - nick, nick.
Did
they trick you too? Yes, they did, didn't they? Nice doggie,
just needs someone to love. The SS don't care about love,
it's a
foreign concept for them. They don't give a shit about love.
(Pause)
Here, boy.
The
dog continues to bark with no change in tone.
BABY
Woof. Woof woof woof.
Yip yip. Pant pant pant.
Woof.
(Pause)
No. You don't get it either. Once an SS, always an SS.How
can they do this to an innocent little doggie? IT'S NOT FAIR!
Baby
stamps her foot; there begins a series of loud BANGS, each
one causing Baby great pain, contorting her body, hurling
her about. This goes on for some time. When she is completely
exhausted, the BANGS turn to raps on a door.
BABY
Hello?
(pause)
HELLO!
A
disembodied voice, badly approximating a Quebecois accent,
fills the room.
SALESWOMAN
Bonjour, madame. Je represente le Cherche de Vie sans Fin.
Je veux demande a toi, avez-vous reflechait a ton mourir.
Mourir. Le suicide. Avez-vous reflechait a le possibilite
de
ton mourir.
BABY
Why?
SALESWOMAN
Nous sommes le Cherche de Vie sans Fin. Nous pensons
que le suicide est un idee tres important, et si vous avez
pensait de le mourir de soi-meme, nous pensons que vous
avez besoin de parler avec nous. Nous avons beaucoup des
choses desquelles vous pouvez penser avant que vous faites
le suicide. Beaucoup, beaucoup, beaucoup des choses.
BABY
No.
SALESWOMAN
Suicide! Allo? Allo? C'est tres simple. le mourir. Faire le
mourir de soi-meme. Le suicide. Bonjour. Nous sommes le
Cherche de Vie sans Fin.
BABY
How did they know I was going to kill myself?
Baby kills herself. Blackout.
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